Breathe.  

Is that a command or a freedom?

Life is full.  I mean..It's grey cloudy.  I never know what I'm doing.  I know what I feel sometimes.  I don't know who God is, not sure if I ever will, he is a mystery to me.  But there are some things that I can hear and take in and something echoes inside that tells me "hold on to this."  Does God dissapoint us?  Sometimes.  Sometimes I feel dissapointed and I am mad.  I am mad at God.  And then what?  What takes you to the truth?  What takes you to that place of knowing, that place where you are absolutley sure, there is nothing else that could knock you off of your understanding.  And then, if you reached that place, whose to say you won't come to a new place?  You can never be absolutley sure, but sometimes you don't have the choice.  And if life is full of choices, which ones do you take?    I look at myself reflecting back from the window.  I look tired for it is late, and I like my hair.  I like my hair and I like my eyes, they make me think that I can tell people that I am lovely inside.  But I also see myself, begin to age.  There is a place that I know my face will not always look this way.  And then what will I have?  The Beauty that is still inside.  I see the wrinkles from my smile starting to leave their mark into my skin.  One day they will stay, and people will know that I smile alot.  There is good in that.  I know it is good because I want people to know that I like to smile at them.    ANd yet there are some things that haunt you, and you are not sure where to go with them.  Like people you love and want you near, but it hurts you so much to be near them.  And you feel guilty even though you really want them close, you just don't want to take care of them anymore.  Or perhaps they are not asking me to anymore....but I am still asking myself to....This is where me and God meet.  No one else knows what goes inside of me except for me and my hope that He does to.  I choose to beleive that I am not alone for that is better than believing that I am.  And if life was meant to be devastating, than why are we still fighting?  Some of us stop fighting.  But most of us keep on, something tells us to keep on.  Either we are stupid, or part of us knows that there is something better for us.  It is more work to breathe than it is to drown.  It's worth the fight.  I remember.  Remember.  Hold it.  Breathe. 

Tension headache.   This is what I have right now.  I have been worried about being 'good enough' lately.  I  have made some mistakes lately that have been difficult to forgive myself of.  I have been learning a bit lately about what it means to be myself and how to love people.  The truth is, is that is harder to accept forgiveness than it is to try and fix my mistake.  I am who I am, I cannot change it, but I can be it through and through.  I do not need to be ashamed of being myself.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I have strength insidide of me to keep going, to move through my mistakes, move through my failures.  To pick up my self and wipe the mud off of my face. 

"Even when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest with an S on my chest, oh yes, I'm a Superwoman."

 You are okay.  You have the right to make mistakes too. 

Holli Anne Lyons

Daughter of Marlea Wilson and Ron Lyons

Best friend of Alicia Aguilar

Girlfriend to Ryan McLeod

Beleiver and follower of Jesus Christ

Adventure and Life seeker

Lover of art and music

Singer and writer

Painter and faciltator

loves to help people

loves randomness

loves to laugh and smile

I think I prabably drank a little too much coffee today.  I am feeling like my mind is racing and I am starting to get a little anxious and frustrated.  But there is something beneath it all rather than just the coffee.  I have been waiting for something when I shouldn't have been.  i am not sure what it was, perhaps for my life to begin.  Which is what I do often. 

I am having my last session with Jinah in March.  I am feeling confident in myself and firm in what I know and beleive about myself and life.  Firm in my openess.  I think the darkness has finally lifted and the dawn is present.  I know this does not mean the end.  It only means the end has bent over backwards to kiss the beginning. 

My feet are itching again to go.  I am thinking of perhaps packing my bags and just leaving to go somewhere.  Because I can.  Although, there is nurturing beginning of a relationship here, which I fear of leaving now.  I am torn in two. I want to do so much but not sure where to begin. I want to meet new people and places.  To experience life and live it fully.  I want to live outside the box, and get as close to the divine as possible.  I want to share my life with people and have my voice be heard.I want it to be "magnificent."